One way to look at parenting is that it’s less about childhood and more about what kind of an adult you hope your little one becomes.
Imagine you’re asking your child’s three best friends when she or he is 30 years old to describe her or him. You’re likely to want to hear that your little wonder has grown into someone who is kind, loving, loyal, determined, fun-loving, responsible, confident, courageous, and has a joy for life. Fortunately, this isn’t solely dependent upon how you parent (ok, so a part of us would like that level of control, but who wants all that responsibility!). Nonetheless, in some ways what we say to our children at age 3 is what they’ll say to themselves at 30.
It could be useful to write down the characteristics you want your little one to have as an adult.
Seven traits that have been found to be particularly related to later flourishing are curiosity, gratitude, grit (tenacity in the face of adversity), optimism, self-control, social savviness, and zest. The good news is that the characteristics you hope your child will exhibit at age 30 – including the seven just listed – are being demonstrated by your little wonder right now; you just need to pay attention, and in this sense be a “traitologist.”
It’ll take some practice, but pretty soon you’ll be noticing that about everything your little wonder is doing shows an underlying trait. You’ll be reflecting things like, “You’re wonderfully curious about things and love to learn;” “What a great giggle you have – you’re sure able to feel joy;” “You notice every little thing – you’re very observant;” “You don’t give up – you stick to it till you do it;” “Wow, you can put your heart and soul into what you do – that sure will serve you well in life.”
I particularly like that last part – “…that sure will serve you well in life” – to underscore both for yourself and your little pumpkin that what she or he is doing is exactly the characteristic that will be so helpful later in life. And this includes when your little one is doing something that’s driving you bonkers – like being oppositional and brattish, which can be reframed as, “Well you’re certainly spunky and know how to stand up for what you want; nobody is going to push you around, and that will serve you well in life” (and, yes, you can add, “And I still need you to…”!).
A Word About Asking Questions:
DON’T
Ok, overstating it – there are lots of times when we should be asking our pumpkins questions. But not when you’re being a mirror with heart – mirrors don’t ask questions, they simply reflect what’s in front of them. You’ll notice in the video clips that none of the comments are questions. And, yes, this can be hard to learn, since adults typically relate to kids by asking questions (which can drive kids – especially teens – bonkers). It might feel presumptuous to reflexively reflect what our little ones are doing, thinking, feeling, and how they are being, but it is in this way of being with that they will grow to know and trust who they are.